Daily Journal

A few days ago some changes started taking their place in my life. All of them haven't finalized but the beginning phases started. Some people I respect and admire spoke some very harsh and doubtful words about these changes. They tried to be encouraging, but in reality their words were very negative and painful for me. So naturally in my carnal self I began to become fearful of the upcoming changes. I began to think about all the what-ifs.. I became sullen, and angry at them and their words of doubt. I, by nature am not an avid facebook poster of my personal life. Yet on the day these words were spoken to me I posted my anger and hurt and frustration on there.


I was sooo wrapped up in my feelings and analyzing all the what-ifs.. God was constantly speaking to me through this and I was trying to listen.... More like I was trying to fix it myself and ignore God. He kept telling me everything would be okay. Over and over and over.

Over the last 3 months I have prayed continuously about these changes. I have asked several of my closest church friends pray about these changes. I specifically prayed and requested them to pray for God to open the doors He wanted open, and close the doors He wanted closed. I prayed for these changes, but expressed my deep concern over the changes and what-ifs and staying/being in God's will and purpose. See God already knows everything about me, so I am not hesitant to lay it all out in the open to Him. All my fears, frustrations, concerns, what-ifs, analyzations.. everything. By doing this I am giving it all to Him and giving Him room to work with it, through it, and direct it.

Yes, as a smart, determined individual I am able to accomplish small things. But God promises in the Bible 'All things are possible with God'. So why should I, would I accept meager accomplishments when God can and will give me major, life altering accomplishments? Am I saying He will give me everything I want? No. Everything has a season. And of course His clock and seasons are not the same as mine. But as I grow and learn more of Him and work towards becoming more like Christ, the more my perception changes and the less of this world I need.

It's strange really... who I once was and who I am now. I am so very thankful God allows me to see the difference. Everyday is a struggle, sometimes second by second. But ultimately it is up to me and my free will to decide if I am going to allow God to be first in my life.

So for every time I lean back on myself and ignore God, every time I try to do things my way and be disobedient to God -- He still forgives and loves me the same. Every time. The Disciples were a mess, but Jesus kept loving and forgiving them. I think if we could just wrap our heads and hearts around this one lone fact. No matter what we do God loves us unconditionally and more fully than any human can ever comprehend.  God knows I will never be perfect. God knows already when, how, where, and why I am going to mess up. God knows me more than I know me. God knows it all and yet is already willing and ready to forgive me. Is committed to love me the same.

How can anyone say no to that? In our world there is little trust, little commitment, little love, little hope. And all of these things have conditions attached to them... I know of only one source that gives all of these things 100%, without reservation, without condition. Do you?