Daily Journal

November 15, 2011 

I must say technically today is 11-16-11 as it is 1:34 am. Yet I haven't been to bed yet.. so in my book it is still Tuesday..

I have been enlightened by my glorious Father in Heaven that this blog needs to be more personal. So before work today I added a Bible study I am currently doing. Yet this still didn't suffice. So now I feel led to share more by posting my daily walk. My struggles, my joys, God's graces and corrections. So some background so that one may understand why I did some of the things I did today.


2 sets of verses have been jumping out at me, given to me, confirmed through sermons, or found in my Bible studies many, many, many times over the last few weeks. I have a tendency to be strong willed, stubborn, hardheaded.. So sometimes God has to bombard me over and over before I notice what He is showing or telling me.

While Proverbs 31 speaks volumes to me.. Proverbs 31:10-31 is hanging around the forefront of my brain and won't leave. At this time in my life I am striving for a closer walk with God. A relationship where I naturally turn to Him. Not one where I react and then goto God to bail me out or show me the error of my ways. I am also learning how powerful prayer is and how to properly pray.

See, with the mindsets and strongholds I had and still have in my head and heart, it is often very hard for me to ask for God's will and not mine.. In the beginning of my walk with God my prayers went something like this - "Dear God, please change (blank). She/He really gets on my nerves and has no clue what they are doing or talking about.." Since those first selfish prayers, I have come to learn 'my way' is not Gods way. What a shock that was for me!! So with this set of verses God is trying to teach me how to be a wife, mother, daughter, sibling, friend and employee according to His will. Being a virtuous woman according to Gods standards is requiring me to change alot!!!! And not all of it is easy. I've had to acknowledge many things to God about who I really am inside and how wrong I have been/am about alot of things. Not an easy feat for a 'puppet master' or 'control freak' like me. Yet during this cleaning of my insides and renewing of my mind I have been blessed many times over and have received a love so full and unwavering that I am here to say I cannot go back.

Philippians 4 is another set of verses I've been graced with over and over and over....    Specifically Philippians 4:4-9.

So forward I will strive, forever seeking God, so that He will work within me to change me according to His will and purpose. Albeit I often times go around the mountain many times.. Finally through Gods grace I am able to move on to the next mountain. Currently, I am circling 3 mountains:

1. How to be a virtuous woman for God (which will in turn effect all my relationships in my life)
2. Dumping mindsets/strongholds from my past (which will help me grow spiritually)
3. Humility (which will make me a better servant of God)

I can see how all of these can and are tied together and effect each other. Yet I struggle with actually applying them in my daily walk. Hence the beginning of my daily Journal.

I have been a little sickly the past week. Sore throat, weak, tired, fevers on and off, not sleeping well.. Have a bug. Patience and tolerance is very low on my scale right now. Physically I feel worn out and wrung out. My job has been an ever challenging project for me, as I have had to learn to work for God and not myself. I've had to dump many mindsets about people in general and how I should treat them and deal with them. I am a crew leader where I work and therefore accountable for running shifts according to my bosses standards. Before walking with God, many things to me were black and white. Policies and procedures. Non-negotiable. Well, God is good for giving me 'words' to live by for my multiple trips around these mountains.. Recently the words were 'love and forgive'. Yes. I was feeling attacked and beat on. And every time someone jabbed me God would say 'love and forgive', 'love and forgive'. These words He gives me helps me alot!

Yesterday I go into work and there is one particular young lady working who 'rubs' me the wrong way. And I 'rub' her the wrong way as well. So within 45 minutes I am ready to send her home out of frustration and my intolerance for her lack of a 'caring attitude' about her job. So I send her home. This morning I wake up to God saying 'you need to talk with her tonight and fix this, apologize. You know what you did was wrong. Love and forgive just like I do you.'

This is the second time in the past two weeks, third time in the past month that God has specifically called me out to apologize for my actions or my mouth. Needless to say I had to apologize several different ways before she would really accept it. Why? Because the first time I tried to get someone else to fix it for me.... Then when I tried, I got all worked up trying to explain my reasoning... And finally, I had to gotomy

Now tell me this, why couldn't I have done this yesterday? Done it right the first time? Why didn't God just put it in my face yesterday before I did something against His will? Why wait til afterwards to tell me?
I can say having to make these apologies in this last month has been huge for me. It has shown me how my thoughts turn into feelings, which then turns into rolling, out of control emotions.. literally. And once I allow these thoughts to continue, to linger in my head, I start feeling the way of the thought, and then I am all worked up - full of that very feeling that is now an emotion. If I don't control what's in my head, how can I control my actions and my mouth? I can't. There is no way.

My words today (and until I can fix my mind on them) are 'lovely and lovable'.

  Philippians 4:4-9
     ⁴Rejoice in the Lord always [delight, gladden yourselves in Him]; again I say, Rejoice!
    ⁵Let all men know and perceive and recognize your unselfishness (your considerateness, your forbearing spirit). The Lord is near [He is ^[a]coming soon].
    ⁶Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition (^[b]definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God.
    ⁷And God's peace [shall be yours, that ^[c]tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall ^[d]garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
    ⁸For the rest, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things [fix your minds on them].
    ⁹Practice what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and model your way of living on it, and the God of peace (of ^[e]untroubled, undisturbed well-being) will be with you.

So I now bid you good night and may God Bless You (if you LET Him, He will).