I awake today feeling at peace with this daily journal business. Which is most shocking for me! I am purposely putting my business out on the street for all to view.. A new concept for me. I have been most of my life a VERY private person. Drilled into those within my immediate circles that my business is my business and they have NO right to share any of it with anyone. And IF they did then the consequences would be extreme!
In my previous life (unsaved) those consequences meant I wouldn't trust you at ALL any longer. I would withhold my love for you. It took a VERY long time for one to be able to get back into 'my good graces.' I find this to be comical now.
Here's why.
1.I didn't trust ANYONE, not even a little bit.
2. I didn't know the true meaning of love, therefore didn't love ANYONE either.
So I would treat the one who betrayed me with indifference and wouldn't participate in the relationship we did have. I have always been a analyzer. I analyzed everything 100 times and then re-analyzed again just to be sure. Would go deeper than necessary to ensure I wouldn't get used, hurt or taken advantage of. I have always been VERY vocal about my findings. By not trusting or loving anyone, I was able to 'step outside the box' and view things more objectively. So being a 'deep thinker' allowed me some insights at times that others couldn't see. Sometimes.
See I have used 'deductive thinking' (Sherlock Holmes -- “When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”– Sherlock Holmes) for most of my life. I saw things very black and white. And then after the first 100 times of analyzing, I then analyzed using the impossibles (because people are fickle and change according to their emotions). This way I was prepared mentally for the outcome, whatever it may be. Yet, I was STILL empty. Still dead inside. Had no joy, no peace. And still longed for something... what? - I didn't know. Where? - I couldn't find it. It was the most illogical and frustrating longing I have ever had. And no matter what I did, where I went, how much I (tried to) change things around me, how I acted, the words I spoke, books I read, research I did... nothing EVER came close.UNTIL GOD.
2 years ago this month I became so depressed and disconnected from life, I begged God to let me die in my sleep. To allow me to never wake up to have to live another sorrow filled day. Because there was nothing for me in this world. It was the lowest point in my life. It was also EXACTLY where I needed to be to receive Gods grace and love. I didn't know it then, but I can clearly see now that through that desperation, depression and sorrow God was reaching out trying to help me. I just wouldn't choose to accept Him or His help.
In the past I have been described as intimidating, controlling, aggressive, blunt, outspoken, harsh, unforgiving, loud, critical, cynical, demanding, angry, cold....
I Googled all these words together and guess what I found?
How do we get so angry? Sternberg’s theory
Psychologists have given much less thought to hate than to love, depression, fears,
and bad habits. Yet, there are a few books and theories about why we hate (Keen,
1986; Dozier, 2003; Levin & Rabrenovic, 2004). One of the best and most recent
theories is by Dr. Robert Sternberg (2005), who is well known for his descriptions of
higher mental functions (intelligence, creativity and wisdom). He has also proposed a
theory about love. He says that love has three parts: (1) intimacy, (2) passion and
(3) commitment. A major factor that contributes to the love one achieves in life
consists of the various love stories (expectations and memories) one experiences
and retains about love over his/her life time. Examples of love stories or beliefs are:
(a) marriage is a business deal and each person has jobs to do; (b) one person can
not meet all your needs so you need to have lots of relationships, not just a lover,
and (c) love soon becomes boring or a series of unhappy wars; (d) love is a fairy tale
of a prince and a princess who have a wonderful life together loving each other
forever; and so on.
Sternberg applies many of the same ideas to hate. The three components that
make up hate are: (1) First a steady avoidance of interacting with people we don’t
like which leads to having few facts and little understanding of each other. Without
meaningful interaction with our enemies there is little way to discredit the
propaganda and rumors we hear about them being inferior, arrogant, immoral, cruel,
subhuman, or evil people, almost like dirty or vicious animals. (2) A second part of
hate is a strong emotional reaction of passionate anger, contempt, and disgust or
dislike for the enemy. These negative feelings are quick conditioned responses which
our brain doesn’t check for accuracy. (3) The third part of hate consists of a belief
system that adds fuel to the hot emotions and justifies our hate and our firm
commitment to avoiding, denouncing, and degrading or destroying the hated group.
www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter7.pdf (Chapter 7: Anger and Aggression)
Tooo funny. Funny because I didn't see myself this way. I thought myself to be a 'good person' with 'good morals' living in a 'bad world'. Wow -- to wear 'God colored glasses' and see how things really are according to His standards...
Today I ask you:
Are you described like any of these words?
Do any of these things hit you inside somewhere and hurt?
Can you see yourself living in these moments?
Do you have a empty feeling inside? Like something is dead in there?
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