Daily Journal

November 29, 2011

Greetings to all and I hope your Thanksgiving and this past week has been good to you. I hope everyone was able to find many things to be grateful for! God has shown me so many things I am thankful for.The greatest is the parable in the Bible about the king that forgave the servants great debt, $10 million! And how that very servant would not forgive a $20 debt. Which spoke volumes to me about HOW MUCH of a price Jesus paid for me, you and everyone.



He gave so much for us, so that we could have the chance to know Him and be forgiven and loved by Him for ALL eternity. And yet, we grumble, complain and whine about EVERYTHING... If we have to wait, if we have to compromise, if we have to go the extra mile, if we are inconvenienced, if things don't go our way, if we don't get what we want, if, if, if, if... Always there is an if..

But you don't know my circumstances, you don't know my life, you don't know my _______...  Yes and you are right, I don't know. BUT God does. He knows everything. He knows BEFORE we know. He knows the beginning, the middle and the end long before we do. He knows the very thoughts we have, the true intentions of hearts, the real reasons we do things. HE KNOWS. And yet He still loves His children unconditionally and wholeheartedly and He still forgives us every time!

I have been having difficulties getting on here everyday and recording my thoughts. So over the week I began journaling with pen and paper in order to transfer to here.. I must admit I have been hesitant to put it on here. This journal speaks with a different tone and mindset than what I do here. I realized I 'pretty things up' here. Because I know they are being viewed by others. Because I don't want to be judged. Because I want to fit in. Because I don't want to admit I have issues. Because... so many reasons.... Well no more. I was struggling very hard the day I started with pen and paper and recorded it. God lead me to get it down.. to share.. right then.. so I started writing. So from now forward I will carry a diary with me and be completely open, get out of my comfort zone, compromise, go the extra mile, be inconvenienced, do things Gods way.

This next section begins my new journal.. the 'hidden one', the REAL war raging inside of me..


For the third day in a row I have battled with panic trying to take over. The urge to take control and force a resolution - no matter the outcome, as long as it is over. Good, bad or ugly. Wednesday I did not have to work, so I had to face and deal with my 4th mountain all day and night. I had to constantly remind myself to look toward God. To ask for guidance, direction, the right words, to respond or not, to stand up or sit down.

Every part of my being/flesh, is screaming, burning, aching to fight.I feel cornered, caged.. Fight now or I won't have a chance.. I will lose. Defend myself.. defend them.. Stand up and fight. This is how my flesh is acting, this is how my insides are talking, this is how satan is running me in circles.. this is my natural self wanting to, trying to, begging to, demanding me to respond to my mountain.

But it is my choice.. AND God keeps reminding me

Proverbs 15:1
A SOFT answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger.
Philippians 4:6
Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition ( definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God.
Romans 8:28
We are assured and know that [ God being a partner in their labor] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose.

Sometimes minute by minute I have had to seek God's will and purpose. Purposely stop looking at what is going on - purposely ask God for the words to speak, guidance and direction. Many times over the last few days God has specifically told me to 'sit down and be quiet'. How do I know it's God talking with all the mess inside of me trying to overcome? All of my flesh wanted to and still does at times, wants to stand up - stand up for myself, for my loved ones, the injustices occurring, to end the battle my way...

Yet God keeps saying 'sit down and be quiet.' This is very powerful for me.
To sit down meaning to be relaxed, not upset, not at stance, not ready to charge. To be calm.
To be quiet meaning I don't know everything like He does, I can't possibly see or hear inside their head. To allow things to take their course according to God's will and purpose, to rely on God for the outcome, to depend wholly on Him and His will and purpose to happen. To LET God. In His timing, His way, His control.

Jeremiah 7:23
 But this thing I did command them: Listen to and obey My voice, and I will be your God and you will be My people; and walk in the whole way that I command you, that it may be well with you.

God commands us to listen and obey His voice. Today while reading my Bible - God shows me this verse.

As often as I say 'God showed me this or said that', just now a little doubt 'pops' into my head saying 'no one else ever says they hear from God. How can you be so sure? What makes you so special?' Satan? Me? Probably a little of both...

I can say this.. I know it is God because after 39 years of over analyzing everything (and I mean everything!) 1000 times in my life, these commands are NOT of or in me to give. This is not who my natural self is. This is not how I think, react, act or work in my inner dealings.. I can say, left to my own devices, the screaming, flesh eaten part of me goes against everything God has done to me , in me and for me. Goes against everything of and in God.

So when God speaks, I want to listen, I want to obey.
It's not easy battling constantly. My past, my mindsets, my flesh, my desires, my world all wants to stand up and fight my own battles, scream out loud.

Ephesians 4:22-24
  ²²Strip yourselves of your former nature [put off and discard your old unrenewed self] which characterized your previous manner of life and becomes corrupt through lusts and desires that spring from delusion; ²³And be constantly renewed in the spirit of your mind [having a fresh mental and spiritual attitude], ²⁴And put on the new nature (the regenerate self) created in God's image, [Godlike] in true righteousness and holiness.

Yet, once again though, I must return to God. I must seek Him out. Every time. I can't go one more step. Take one more breath without Him. I cannot do it right or keep my peace, or be fulfilled the way only He can fill me, continue with no purpose or direction. Only God CAN, as long as I LET Him, ASK Him, have FAITH in Him, WALK with Him (minute by minute if necessary).