Daily Journal

December 7, 2011

Life has been very hard and long this week. I have been working alot and trying to stay caught up with my home duties. Yet only managed to stay behind.. Not much Bible studying either.. AND let me tell you I can feel myself sliding back into my old self, I can feel myself stepping away from God and trying to overcome and deal on my own. My mountains have quieted and and things have been running smooth, yet I can feel the 'time bomb' slowing ticking, waiting, burning in my gut..



My youngest daughter has been battling her thoughts and attitude this past week really hard. I ordered her 'The Battlefield of the Mind for Teens' and we read the first chapter together this weekend. She told me last night that when I correct her, she can feel the sourness rise up in her and she knew she had to purposely make the choice not to become sullen or mad. Wow! Out of the mouths of babes, eh? One chapter spent together about and with God and He moves so surly and swiftly. It was a true blessing to my heart.

But it also makes me realize how often I stumble. And how often I allow God to work in me. Or should I say how I pick and choose when I let God. I have constantly had battles with my work mentality since I became saved. More so when I started actively seeking God.

See being in the management field  for 10+ years makes much of who I am. It is a huge mindset in my life. I tend to see the 'wrong things' going on, instead of the 'right ones'. I tend to see things in a cynical light. I have ingrained in my brain to look and seek out the problem areas first.. It is my job to fix these issues, to correct these situations to improve performance, labor, sales.. I have trouble having compassion and love for those I deem 'unworkable'. You know, the lazy ones, the slow ones, the ones without initiative, the ones I have to babysit. See here's how my mind works without God. In today's economy having a job is a privilege, not a right. Too many people need work, too many 'good' people have lost their jobs. I have a low tolerance for people that come to work and do things half-way, for people that have to have their hands held, for people I KNOW are trained right, yet they continuously have to be corrected, for laziness, for slow poking.. grrrr.... See just putting it out there causes my stress level to go up and my emotions to stir up frustration..

Romans 8:5
5For those who are according to the flesh and are controlled by its unholy desires set their minds on and pursue those things which gratify the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit and are controlled by the desires of the Spirit set their minds on and seek those things which gratify the [Holy] Spirit.

Clearly this verse tells me it is my choice to what I set my mind to and pursue.. the flesh or the Holy Spirit. This one mindset is sooo very hard to change, to alter, to combat for me. And as I write this the Holy Spirit is reminding that the warfare is not of my flesh.. I cannot battle this on my own. That I MUST seek God in order to get past it, through it, to change this mindset..

2 Corinthians 10:4
⁴For the weapons of our warfare are not physical [weapons of flesh and blood], but they are mighty before God for the overthrow and destruction of strongholds,

It is really amazing to me to how I can offer up my reasoning, no matter the circumstance, no matter the forethought, and each and every time God shows me His way through a verse, or a fellow christian.

I have a friend who is very well versed in the doctrinal truths of the Bible, and just talking with her brings reminders to me of Gods grace and mercy almost every time we talk. I do not even have to speak aloud an issue I might be having and yet God uses our friendship nearly every time we speak to each other. The thing with this friend of mine is very meaningful to me.... I am not a friendly person in my natural self... was not - God is working on me with this. And remember I trusted NO ONE. So having friends was not on my life list: I didn't want any, need any and felt safer not having any. Didn't allow anyone in, didn't allow anyone to get close, didn't want their love and couldn't give it back even I thought for one second I wanted to (which I didn't.) So this friend, I really believe was given to me by God to teach me trust, love and to give me belief in the human race (because I had none, zero, zilch). And she has been my friend even before I got saved. (She was saved.) She has listened to me complain and moan and groan and try to out-reason God. She has listened to me complain about how hard and aggravating and how unreasonable Gods commands are (or so I thought)... She has been with me EVERY step of the way since I have been saved, before I was saved. And I trust her and love her now. And guess what.. GOD did that. He gets ALL the glory, because without Him I wouldn't have let her in and let her do His work.. I wouldn't have given her one chance, much less listened to her doctrinal truths about God's Word.

So with my crack addict mentality, my ocd, trying (and inevitably failing) to do things according to my reasoning..

Here I am again reminded that without a daily, active relationship with God I go backwards, each and every time.

Deuteronomy 4:29
29But if from there you will seek (inquire for and require as necessity) the Lord your God, you will find Him if you [truly] seek Him with all your heart [and mind] and soul and life.

AND when I choose to seek Him out - He gives me a peace and understanding and a fullness of love I cannot get anywhere else, from anyone else, not even from within me.. And this lesson is a constant repeat offender I must go through daily. I must purposely choose minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day to put God first. To make Him my top priority. To seek Him out. To set my mind and purpose on Him (Colossians 3:2). And when I choose not to, well the minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, becomes very long and hard. This is the war raging inside of me. The battle I fight to choose good over evil, God over satan, right over wrong, His way or my way. I am not perfect and never will be (and He doesn't say I have to be perfect). And long as I live on this earth God will always have to work in me and on me. As long as I breathe a breath, I will struggle, I will stumble, I will be in a battle. Yet here is another reminder for me and you

Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

Only God gives me that kind of hope, and only in God can I have that kind of faith..
And with a promise such as this when one has faith in the one true God..

Romans 8:28 (amp)
We are assured and know that [God being a partner in their labor] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose.

 Romans 8:28 (kjv)
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

I don't know of anything else or anyone else that can make that promise and keep it..
Do you? Do you need a little bit of good in your life?